Can I be honest with you? Ok, the truth is, I don’t like goals. Setting goals just to check off on a routine basis just does not sound fun. Setting goals remind me of bad bosses who force unattainable productivity goals for no reason other than creating busy-work and maximizing corporate profit. But, meaningful goals can be instrumental tools that shape a fulfilling life.
What I continue to see for myself, and my clients, is that goals only work when they’re rooted in purpose, not pressure. When goals are crafted in clear meaning and positive value rather than negative reinforcement, it becomes a living force that can be harnessed and carry us into fulfilling outcomes.
Why did I set this goal?
An important aspect of goal setting is considering why we have a goal in the first place. This is often overlooked when thinking about making improvements in our daily lives. As humans, we can get trapped in the all or nothing thinking of completing a task only to have the purpose of our goal be overlooked.
Starting with the question, “Why am I setting this goal and why is it important?” Pulling from the work of Simon Sinek, it’s important to consider the why of what we are doing. If the purpose is unclear in the small actions of the larger goal, then our foundation begins to crumble, causing us to feel uninspired, and ultimately burned out.
If we have set a goal to go to the gym five times a week without defining the underlying purpose, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Likely, our goal isn’t solely to go to the gym, it might be to fit into our old jeans again, to feel more energized, or improve our health. Whatever the why of your goal is, defining this is critical. Otherwise, we are building on an unsteady foundation.
Get to know your biggest critic
As we explore the why of what our goal is, we often hear the familiar voice that criticizes reminding us of all the reasons we will fail. Our inner-critic is this harsh voice inside telling us we aren’t good enough, critiquing our actions, thoughts, and emotions.
The natural response to this harsh inner-critic is to ignore or bottle it up, in hopes that it quiets after some time. But, what we resist persists resulting in this voice continuing to nag at our every move until it inevitably takes over again.
Instead of suppressing this voice, get to know this lovely internal critic. Spend some time writing out what this voice is saying and sounds like. As you write, don’t hold back, let the critic have the microphone of your pen, voicing every critical and judgemental comment it may have, unfiltered.
After you’ve written from the internal critic, on a new piece of paper, write out what you notice as you wrote from this perspective. Did you feel your heart rate rise, tension in your shoulders? Write that down. Did you hear a familiar voice of your mom criticizing your decisions and actions? Write that down too. Take notice of what happened as you wrote from the perspective of the inner-critic.
When we write from a perspective that is often ignored, we can familiarize ourselves with this and even release some of the negative thoughts and emotions that hold us back. As we see the internal monologue that consumes our internal state written on paper, this energy can lower allowing more space for positivity.
The intentions that we lead with will produce our results. If we unknowingly have a goal set by the critical voice that sees us as “not good enough” then we will continue to produce results that will never be good enough as negativity can only feed on more negativity. When goals are set in a negative light, then we are priming ourselves for more negative outcomes and working in a deficit mindset. The awareness that you bring to your inner-critic can be enough to change the narrative you are writing.
As you end, express gratitude for this critical friend. Challenge yourself to review the inner-critic’s monologue and see the good intention. Assume the positive intention this one has of wanting to protect you from failing at a goal, and even thank it for looking out for you. Gratitude often will lower consuming energy that overwhelms our system. As that energy decreases, we have more room for positivity.
With the space that you’ve cultivated inside, you can go back to the goal and evaluate if this is driven by the negative energy or if there is some other misalignment. Allowing you to set your goals with the positive forces that will uplift and fulfill rather than diminish and critique.
Start small
When we are setting out to make impactful change in our lives, don’t set yourself up for overwhelm by having too many goals. Select one to three goals to start with and stick with them until they become habits. This allows you to truly focus on the goals that you want to achieve and install slow sustainable change. When we are working to improve our lives, making small sustainable changes allows us to make long-term changes.
Don’t get discouraged if you miss a day.
Life happens and setbacks are inevitable. When you encounter a setback, remember that it’s all part of the process, don’t give up yet because this is an opportunity to continue on the journey of change.
Remember the inner-critic that you got to know earlier and talk to it from a grounded perspective. When you miss a day, it can feel like a small snowball that rolls down the hill growing bigger and bigger into the lie of “I’m a failure.” Write it out with your inner critic challenging and listening to what it says about you while remembering that this isn’t always accurate.
Make immediate plans to continue in your new goal for the next day. Missing a day doesn’t equate failure, you are making lasting changes and regression is part of the process, accept it without judgement of good or bad.
How Balanced is Your Life?
Many of us find ourselves setting goals when there is imbalance in our life. Using a tool like the life wheel can be effective in starting the conversation about where we could use more balance. The life wheel asks questions where we self-report our satisfaction in the areas of physical, financial, intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual.
Through this exercise, we create a visual representation of the areas in our life that might be lacking and need more priority. When we openly reflect using the life wheel and can visually see areas that score lower, we can use this information to propel change. The goals we set may reflect our life wheel, meaning if finances consistently score lower, then we may have more goals around this area as opposed to areas that score higher.
Like most things, this is a tool to be used. A tool can help us see things more clearly and promote change but is not the change itself. Taking this information, along with the work we have mentioned previously, we can implement thoughtful goals that inspire the change we desire to see.
You’ve Got This!
Change is scary, but your willingness to improve through goal-setting can be impactful to your everyday life. By actively exploring why a goal is important, getting to know your inner-critic, and analyzing your life balance, you’re setting yourself up for meaningful, sustainable change.
Just remember that you can do this! When you hear the inner-critic’s monologue, remember the positive intentions that are the cornerstone to your goals. I’m already so proud of the purposeful intention you are putting into yourself.
If you find yourself needing extra support in meeting your goals, remember you are not alone. We have a team of thoughtful therapists who are on your side and here to help.
Resources:
Life Wheel: https://studentwellness.uci.edu/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Assessing-Your-Life-Balance.pdf
Simon Sinek, “Start with Why” TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK4HNPCVt2k